Genius Decoded

The Pursuit of Mental Fitness

Book Notes: The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane

You can find my review Here. Buy the book Here.

Introduction

  • Marilyn Monroe’s point: “Charisma is a skill” that can be learned and practiced
  • “What Will Charisma Do For You?”
    • Charismatic people receive higher performance ratings and are seen as more effective by superiors and subordinates
    • Subordinates of charismatic leaders work harder, see work as more meaningful, and trust leaders more
    • Charisma has many positive effects
  • “It’s Not Magic, It’s Learned Behaviors”
    • Many charismatic figures worked hard to learn and earn the skill
    • Steve Jobs example: Early vs. late presentations
  • “What Does Charismatic Behavior Look Like?”
    • When first meeting someone, we instinctively gauge Power and Intentions
    • The (Simple) Charisma Equation: Give impression of high power and high warmth
    • The Final Dimension of Charisma: Presence – Being totally present when interacting with an individual

Chapter 1 – Charisma Demystified

  • William Gladstone (Impression that he was the cleverest person in England) vs. Benjamin Disraeli (Impression that they are the cleverest people in England)
  • Individuals with charisma choose specific behaviors that evoke certain emotions in people
  • 3 Main Charisma Myths
    • Must be extroverted (Introversion is an advantage for certain types of charisma)
    • Must be attractive (Charisma makes people more attractive)
    • Must change personality (Charisma is a skill)
      • Example: 3 Quick Instant Charisma Tips:
        • Lower intonation of voice at end of sentences
        • Reduce speed and frequency of nodding
        • Pause 2 full seconds before speaking

Chapter 2 – The Charismatic Behaviors: Presence, Power, and Warmth

  • Presence
    • The foundation of charisma
    • The human brain mind can read facial expressions in as few as 17ms
    • Be fully present in any interaction
    • Presence is learnable ==> Practice + Patience
    • Practice exercise (adapted from mindfulness)
      • Close eyes and focus on one thing: Sounds, breath, and/or toes
    • Why being present is difficult: 1) Brains hardwired to pick up novel stimuli; 2) Distracting society (leads to “continuous partial attention”)
    • 2,250-person Daniel Gilbert study: almost half of the average person’s time spent “mind wandering”.
    • Being fully present makes you memorable + helps you enjoy life
  • Power and Warmth
    • Power – Seen mainly in body language; also seen in appearance + other’s reactions to person
    • Warmth – Goodwill toward others ==>Almost entirely seen through body language and behavior ==> Evaluated more directly than power
    • Power and Warmth play powerfully on survival instincts
    • Power and Warmth are two dimensions humans consistently evaluate first when assessing others
    • Power and Warmth necessary for charisma
  • Charismatic Body Language
    • MIT Media Lab concluded that it is possible to predict outcome of negotiations, sales calls, and business pitches with 87% accuracy through body language alone (no verbal content)
    • Body language is most important for Charisma
  • Charisma Begins in the Mind
    • The body sends out countless signals ==> too much body language to control consciously
      • Consequence 1: Can’t just broadcast charisma at will; micromanaging body language is impractical ==> But we can solve this problem by directing our subconscious
      • Consequence 2: Body language expresses our mental states subconsciously; whatever we are thinking/feeling will show through the body
        • Microexpressions ==> Can lead to subconscious gut perceptions in observers
        • Stanford research: threat-response evoked when people try to hide real feelings
        • Social smile vs. true smile
      • Charismatic behaviors must originate from the mind
      • Technical skills vs. Internal skills
        • Having solid internal skills comes before developing social skills
      • What Your Mind Believes, Your Body Manifests
        • One Key Insight of Charisma: The mind can’t tell fact from fiction
          • Examples: Horror movies + Music +Power of Imagination
        • ==> The body will manifest what the mind believes
          • Placebo Effect
          • Nocebo Effect ==> Negative bodily consequences from fictional (mental) causes

Chapter 3 – The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth

  • Increasing charisma requires learning what is internally inhibiting your potential
  • Physical Discomfort
    • Any physical discomfort that effects your external state will affect your charisma ==> people will be able to perceive the discomfort, even if only subconsciously
    • Physical discomforts affect internal state of mind
    • 3 Steps to Counteract Physical Discomfort:
      • 1) Prevent; 2) Recognize; 3) Remedy or explain
    • Take comfort into consideration in any preparation; of yourself and others
      • Hunger, clothing, weather, location, noise level, temperature, etc.
    • Mental Discomfort
      • Must learn how to skillfully handle mental discomfort ==> Much more important than handling physical discomfort
    • Anxiety Caused by Uncertainty
      • Impacts internal state + Lowers confidence + Thoughts not in the present
      • The human mind is fundamentally uncomfortable with uncertainty
      • The ability to be comfortable with uncertainty is one of the strongest predictors of success in business (Adam Berman, UC Berkeley)
      • Responsibility Transfer ==> Meditation exercise transferring the weight of all concerns onto an all-powerful entity
        • Makes uncertainty less uncomfortable ==> an important distinction
      • William Bosl (Harvard-MIT): Brains wired to understand first, believe second, and disbelieve last ==> Disbelief requires additional effort, so physiological effects of it occur before thought patterns change to alleviate the discomfort
    • Dissatisfaction Caused by Comparison
      • Human nature to compare is wired deeply in the brain
      • The cycle of comparison and evaluation (of past, present, other people, etc.) is impairing
      • Use responsibility transfer technique
    • Self-Criticism
      • How a person feels about himself impacts performance profoundly
        • Self-criticism can trigger the threat/fight-or-flight response ==> David Rock: “the threat response impairs analytic thinking, creative insight, and problem solving”
        • [Abe’s Note: Also, threat response is triggered in the lower brain (amygdala) up to the higher functions. The connections from the lower to higher brain are numerous and quick, but the reverse is not true. This means it is best to prevent the threat response altogether, because it will take much mental effort to calm down.]
        • Self-criticism leads to negative micro-expressions ==> Bad impression
        • Self-criticism as the “silent killer” of business
      • Self-Doubt
        • Lack of confidence in one’s ability
          • Imposter Syndrome: Competent people believing they are frauds and are waiting for someone to expose them ==> Occurs especially in highly competent individuals

Chapter 4 – Overcoming the Obstacles

  • Step 1: Destigmatize Discomfort
    • Understanding that uncomfortable experiences are a normal part of the human experience and survival instincts
    • Remembering that one is not alone in the experience
    • Shame is one of the most toxic emotions to physical and mental health
      • The brain understands social needs in terms of survival
      • Must learn how to remove the stigma from shame ==> key aspect of charisma
    • Step 2: Neutralize Negativity
      • Acknowledging that one’s thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate
      • Remember that other’s body language states can be signs of something else (e.g. physical discomfort)
      • Humans have a limited capacity for conscious attention ==> the brain filters for relevant information ==> Because of this, humans generally have an incomplete view of reality
      • Negativity Bias: Because the brain is tuned to focus on danger, a person’s perception of reality often skews toward negativity
      • Steven Hayes: See negative thoughts as “graffiti on a wall”
      • Identify and label the negative experience
      • Depersonalize the negative experience
      • Plug the negative experience into a more universal perspective (not so important after all)
      • Consider the worst-case scenario
      • Think of similar experiences in the past
    • Step 3: Rewrite Reality
      • Very difficult for the brain to directly suppress strong negative emotions (e.g. anger) ==> Increases stress levels
      • Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing one’s belief about what happened; Looking at a situation from a different perspective
        • Reframe negative circumstances in a more positive light
        • Consider alternate versions of perceiving reality for motivation
      • Defeating Parkinson’s Law (“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”): Mentally shift deadlines up
      • Consider which mental state will be most useful in a situation. Then, determine which version of reality will help most to get there.
      • Perform cognitive reappraisal on paper.
      • Getting Satisfaction – Dealing with resentment (“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”): Getting closure by yourself; writing an apology letter from the other person’s perspective
      • Delving into Sensations technique: Focusing on every minute detail of current physical discomfort and naming them ==> Gives the mind something concrete to focus on + Brings you into full presence
      • The ability to handle discomfort is a highly valuable skill ==> The goal is to have nothing shake you
        • “the most effective thing you can do for your career is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.”
      • One must stretch one’s comfort zone
        • Some exercises for this: Hold eye contact longer than comfortable + Experiment with personal space + Hold elevator door for everyone, then stand with back to the elevator door facing everyone + Conversation with stranger

Chapter 5 – Creating Charismatic Mental States

  • Visualization
    • Visualizing an activity activates parts of the brain that are used in performing the actual activity
    • Visualization can physically alter brain structure (imagining playing the piano with enough repetition leads to detectable/measurable change in motor cortex)
    • The notion that the brain becomes less plastic at a certain age is dramatically wrong (David Rock; Jeff Hawkins)
    • Method acting embodies concept of visualization
    • Visualization exercise: Remembering past experience with full sensory and emotional “visualization” ==> As one practices this exercise, create images that are progressively more detailed ==> must be “precise, vivid, and detailed to be effective” (Stephen Krauss)
    • Other people use auditory cues: Using meaningful phrases or axioms to focus on
    • Use music and bodily movement (e.g. gestures) to make the visualization more detailed
    • Suggestions of when to use visualization
      • Before a presentation: Walk the stage before and visualize in the green room
      • Before important meetings/emails
      • Any time you’re feeling anxious: increase oxytocin (“neuropeptide of trust”); reverses the threat response ==> imagine a hug
    • Visualization is incredibly powerful and is an indispensible tool
  • Gratitude, Goodwill, and Compassion
    • Three-step process
    • Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation
      • Showing gratitude about life increases longetivity, health, and happiness (Emmons & Mishra, “Why Gratitude Enhances Well Being…” Designing Positive Psychology)
      • Hedonic Adaptation: Human tendency to take blessings for granted(Seligman, Authentic Happiness)
      • Focus on little things first
      • Techiniques: Focus on the Present + Scan your environment + Look at yourself in the third-person +Imagine your funeral
    • Step Two: Goodwill and Compassion
      • Truly focusing on another person’s well-being; Wishing others well
      • Find things to appreciate or that you approve of a person
      • Privahini Bradoo: Imagine other person has angel wings
      • Goodwill is wishing someone well; Empathy is understanding how someone feels; Compassion is empathy and goodwill
      • Paul Gilbert, compassion researcher
      • Exercises: 1) Imagine the person’s past; 2) Imagine the person’s present; 3) What if it was this person’s last day?
    • Step Three: Self-Compassion
      • Distinguishing three key concepts: Self-confidence is belief in ability to do or learn to do something. Self-esteem is approval or value of oneself. Self-compassion is how much warmth you have for yourself.
      • Might be healthier to focus on self-compassion than self-esteem (Neff, “Self-Compassion”) ==> Self-acceptance vs. self-evaluation
      • High self-compassion ==> greater emotional resilience and fewer negative reactions (Neff, “Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being”)
      • Self-Compassion leads to greater expression of self-confidence
      • Self-compassion dispels the inner critical voice that affects body language
      • Self-compassion as three-step process: 1) Realizing that you’re experiencing difficulties; 2) Responding with kindness and understanding toward yourself; 3) Realizing these difficulties are experienced by all humans
      • Christopher Germer: Self-compassion is a skill
      • Exercise: List ways in which you already care for yourself when you are in difficult times
      • Metta: “loving-kindness” – Exercise: Thinking of one good action you performed; Imagining a being; Imagining the being’s kindness and compassion; Seeing yourself through their eyes and forgiveness; Feeling the being’s wholehearted acceptance, imperfections and all
      • Cultivating metta using pictures, books, or notes
    • Using Your Body to Affect Your Mind
      • Importance of strong, confident posture with strong voice and gestures
      • Exercise: Experimenting with body language and noting its effect on emotions
    • Warming Up for Key Moments
      • Because charisma is a skill, you can warm it up for important moments
      • Willpower as having a limited daily reserve (Baumeister, “Ego Depletion and Self-Regulation Failure: A Resource Model of Self-Control”; Gailliot et al, “Self-Control Relies on Glucose as a Limited Energy Source: Willpower is More than a Metaphor”)
      • Must be highly vigilant about your state of mind ==> Everything that enters your mind affects your internal state
      • Plan your schedule for confidence or warmth boosting experiences, including music, etc.

Chapter 6 – Different Charisma Styles

  • Focus Charisma: Presence and Confidence
    • Examples of Focus Charisma: Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Jack Keeler: introvert, yet fully present and fully focused
    • Foundations of Focus Charisma: full presence + ability to communicate respect
    • What People Notice: Demeanor; Fully present body language
    • Developing Focus Charisma: Requires ability to focus and be truly present
    • Two main risks of focus charisma: 1) If you display too little power, can come across as too eager, low-status, or subservient; 2) If you do not exhibit warmth, your attention can become too intense
    • When to Use it: Almost all business situations; When you need people to open up and share info; Difficult situations (negotiations, defusing hostile interactions)
    • When to Avoid: When you need to appear authoritative or when you need compliance (emergencies)
  • Visionary Charisma: Belief and Confidence
    • Makes others feel inspired; makes them “believe”. Can be effective even when disliked. Why? People are uncomfortable with uncertainty. You are selling people on your vision more than yourself
    • Examples: Steve Jobs, Joan of Arc, MLK Jr.
    • Foundations: Ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause + Based on power + Warmth/Passion in their vision, which must include measures of nobility and altruism
    • What People Notice: Demeanor + Being/Seeming inspired + Projecting inspiration + Appearance matters far less than other styles
    • Developing: The message matters; must know how to construct bold vision and deliver the message charismatically + Complete conviction with no doubt
    • Risks: Can inspire fanatical belief and lead to bad decisions
    • When to Use: When you need to inspire or increase creativity in people.
  • Kindness Charisma: Warmth and Confidence
    • Wholehearted acceptance + Tremendous warmth
    • Foundation: Warmth + Connecting with hearts
    • What People Notice: Demeanor, specifically face, especially eyes
    • Developing: Mindset + Right kind of eye contact
    • Risks: Coming off as overeager to please (power still important) + Can lead to adulation and overattachment in other people
    • When to Use: When you want to create an emotional bond + When you need to make people feel safe and comfortable + Delivering bad news + Difficult people
    • Avoid: When you need to be authoritative
  • Authority Charisma: Status and Confidence
    • Works because of people’s instinctive deference to authority
    • Examples: Colin Powell, Dalai Lama, Stalin, Mussolini, Michael Jordan
    • Not necessarily likeable
    • What People Notice: Based on a perception of power (belief that you have the power to effect the world) + Body language (does it emanate confidence in the power to influence others or affect the world?) + Appearance (Signs of status, clothing) + Title + Reactions of others ==> Body language trumps all other signs + Insecurity will undermine any possibility of authority
    • Developing: Displaying signs of status and confidence
      • Two most important dimensions of Authority are the most easily controlled: Body language and appearance
      • Authority depends on how confident you feel in the moment
      • Take up space + Reduce nonverbal reassurances (nodding) + No fidgeting + Speak less + Speak slowly + Know how and when to pause sentences + How to change voice intonation
      • High quality or high-status clothing ==> One of the easiest ways
    • Risks: Can inhibit critical thinking in others + Doesn’t invite feedback (risk not getting information you need) + Can make you appear arrogant or intimidating
      • So must learn to emanate warmth
    • When to Use: Many business scenarios + When you need people to listen and obey + In a crisis + When immediate compliance is necessary
    • When to Avoid: Social settings + Sensitive business situations (delivering bad news) +When you want to encourage creativity or constructive feedback
  • Three Indicators to Choosing the Right Charisma: Personality; Goals; Situation/Context
    • Your Own Personality
      • Learn to work with your natural personality ==> Don’t force yourself
      • Don’t limit yourself to just one style ==> Alternating between different styles is possible
      • Access different aspects of your personality and become comfortable expressing them
      • Blending various forms of charisma
      • When choosing a specific type, check you internal state and see if it is compatible
      • Key Word: Adapt which you choose
    • Your Goal
      • Consider what you want to accomplish with a type of charisma
    • The Situation You are In
      • Many situations where a type of charisma is incompatible
      • Context will affect how others perceive
      • Consider: Emotional Context + Social Context
      • Of course, your own mental state and behaviors are most important
    • Use low-stakes situations to experiment and expand your comfort zone
    • In a high-stakes situation, stick with your natural strengths

Chapter 7 – Charismatic First Impressions

  • Only have one chance to make a first impression
    • Within seconds ==> socioeconomic status, level of education, level of success
    • Within minutes ==>Intelligence, trustworthiness, competence, friendliness, confidence
    • First impressions often indelible
  • Difficult to overcome bad impression ==> May be impossible to overcome in a variety of situations ==> first impressions are very important
    • John Kenneth Galbraith: “faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” (Economics, Peace and Laughter)
    • Behavioral research proves this correct
    • Often, first impressions are correct (Much research supports this)
  • First impressions are generated in the instinctive part of the brain
  • The Golden Rule – Making a Good Impression
    • People like others who are similar to them ==> Clothing + appearance + demeanor + speech
  • Tribal Wear
    • Clothing is evaluated first
    • Clothing is very important
    • People respond much more favorably to those who dressed in the same style as them
    • Adapt clothing to an environment to make people feel more comfortable
      • To impress, observe the environment and dress on the upper end of that spectrum
    • The Power of a Good Handshake
      • U of Iowa: handshakes are “more important that agreeableness, conscientiousness, or emotional stability.”
      • Handshakes improve quality of an interaction
      • The Perfect Handshake (In North America): Right hand free + Avoid being clammy + Rise if seated and keep hands out of pockets + Eye contact and smile + Keep head straight + Keep hand perfectly perpendicular + Open space between thumb and index finger wide + Ensure full contact of palms of hand (keep palms flat and drape hands diagonally + Wrap fingers around partner’s hand and scale fingers + Lock thumb down and squeeze firmly (about the same as the other person) and shake from the elbow; hold a bit longer to convey warmth; step back
    • Break the Ice
      • Complement clothing ==> continue with open-ended question (“What’s the story behind…?; “Where are you from?”; “What was it like growing up there?”) ==> Ask open-ended questions to keep people talking ==> Keep questions focused on positive subjects ==>Bounce back technique to refocus conversation on other person
        • Keep the attention on the other person as much as possible ==> Even when speaking about something you did, use “you” instead of “I” as much as possible (“You might like the book I finished the other day…” or just “You know,…”)
        • Adjust your language (words, illustrations, metaphors) to the interests of the audience
      • Graceful Exits
        • Don’t wait too long to end the conversation
        • Easiest way: have a duty or have volunteered for something
        • Offer something of value: Information (article, book, etc.); A connection; Visibility (invite them to a group); Recognition (an award they should be nominated for)
        • If you have to break up a group, focus attention on ones being left behind
        • When a conversation is over, don’t waste time worrying ==> People remember how they felt speaking with you

Chapter 8 – Speaking—and Listening—with Charisma

  • Charismatic Listening
    • Listening skills are important for charisma ==> Makes people feel heard/understood without you saying a word
    • Listen more than you speak
    • Be fully present + Never interrupt + Let others interrupt you + Pause before you answer
  • Charismatic Speaking
    • The “shoot the messenger effect”: the human mind associates emotions felt to objects of attention present when that emotion was felt ==> Operant/Behavioral Conditioning
    • If in a situation where you have to deliver bad news, fix your ratio of neutral/good to bad news
    • Know how to accept a compliment (Make the other person feel good about giving the compliment
    • Become genuinely interested in other people ==> Let others impress you
    • Images are powerful because they are more deeply rooted in the brain ==> Use rich imagery to make what you say (e.g. metaphors) more powerful ==> Use all five senses + Choose metaphors carefully
    • Don’t use negations of negative concepts (e.g. no problem) ==> The brain can’t help but think of the negative connotation of the negated word
    • Deliver high value whenever you speak or write ==> Entertainment + Information + Good feelings
      • The longer the time investment for the other person, the higher the value should be
      • Use as few words as possible
    • Increase fluctuation of tone of voice + Use more gestures + Communicate positive body language ==> Delivery Style strongly influences audience ratings ==> Voice fluctuation is nearly as important as listening in terms of vocal communication
    • Vocal Power ==> Lower pitch and tone + Projected volume + Slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses
    • Vocal Warmth ==> Smile or think about smiling

Chapter 9 – Charismatic Body Language

  • Body language effects people on a visceral, emotional level ==> Charisma
    • People tend to react to how something is said more so that to what has been said
  • When the verbal and nonverbal are congruent, the nonverbal amplifies the verbal ==> When they are not congruent, the nonverbal is trusted over the verbal
    • Delivery can have a greater impact than the message itself
  • Emotional Contagion: the process where expressed emotions are ‘caught’ by another ==> due to mirror neurons
    • Manage your emotional contagiousness
    • The emotions of those with power propagate more quickly than those without
  • Limbic Resonance: human tendency to mirror body language of other people ==> Oscillator neurons
    • Mirroring another’s body language can activate trust and liking
    • Be subtle when mirroring ==> Be selective + Delay the mirror + Vary the amplitude of gesture
    • Mirroring is powerful
    • “Leading” negative emotions to positive ones ==> Mirror when listening, shift to positive when speaking
    • Know when mirroring is counterproductive, e.g. anger ==> Try to break up the posture (e.g. hand them a paper)
  • Respect Others’ Personal Space ==> Personal space is visceral and instinctive
    • Seating: 90-degree angle or side-by-side is more comfortable than face-to-face
  • Eye Contact – Prolonged, intense eye contact speeds heart rate and promotes hormone phenylethylamine (PEA, or ‘love at first sight’ hormone)
    • Separation distress: anxiety when someone breaks significant eye contact
    • Know how to use the right kind of eye contact – ‘Hard focus’ vs. ‘soft focus’
    • Miniscule differences in eye contact make dramatic changes in perception
  • Posture – Project Power and Confidence with Warmth
    • Gorilla Imagery ==> Taking up space, broadcasting presence to surroundings ==> Powerful people take up space
    • Regal Posture ==> Stillness/Poise +Avoiding extraneous/superfluous gestures
      • Slow, single nod + One to none verbal reassurance + No fidgeting
      • Be aware
      • Take care to project warmth as well
    • Choosing the right type of nonverbal communication/reassurance
      • For shy/insecure people, increase warmth
      • For those who you want to project confidence, be poised, contained, limit reassurance + Keep own rhythms rather than mirroring

Chapter 10 – Difficult Situations

  • Difficult People
    • Divide and Conquer – When working with a smaller group of individuals, win them over one at a time (each person gets a strategy)
    • Have the Other Side Rationalize in Your Favor – Ben Franklin Effect – Ask opponents for favors + Ask for help + Ask for their opinion (costs them nothing)
    • Express Honest Appreciation – The more personal and specific, the better +Remind people they had a choice and chose you + Show a person the impact they had in your life (project or idea) and they will instinctively support it
      • Rationalization is true of negative things: If someone feels like they have done you harm, they will tend to convince themselves they were justified
    • Protect Yourself when dealing with difficult people ==> with empathy + with oxytocin + compassion + Prepare thoroughly (using all techniques above)
  • Delivering Bad News
    • Vagueness leaves too much to the imagination
    • Avoid negative connotations in messages as much as possible
    • Choose the time or place of the conversation whenever possible ==> sometimes better to wait + the setting/location is important
    • Increase the other person’s comfort ==> Have objects to help them fidget + Candles and firelight
    • Body language is everything ==> warmth, care, concern, empathy, compassion
    • Verbally ==> everything above
  • Delivering Criticism
    • Consider timing and location ==> the sooner the better, but only when the person is receptive
    • Mindset of compassion and empathy ==> be invested in the process
    • Be specific and exact in the points you want/need to make
    • Depersonalize ==> Critiquing the behavior, not the person
  • Delivering Feedback During Criticism
    • Take into account the primacy and recency effects
    • Reassure/Acknowledge person of his/her worth
    • Tell people what you want to see, rather than what you don’t want
    • Depersonalize the corrective statement/action
    • Don’t make people feel as though they are wrong ==> Ben Franklin ==> Deny yourself the pleasure of contradicting others
    • Stay attentive to verbal and nonverbal signals ==> encourage positive associations + lead with positive body language
    • End on a positive note ==> Next steps + Appreciation + Positive future
  • Apologizing
    • Disagreements/conflicts can improve relationships
    • Right Mental State + Forgive Yourself ==> Avoid being defensive, overly apologetic, subservient, or insecure
    • The worse your mistake was, the more personal the apology should be
    • Apologizing in person ==> You have the most tools (i.e. body language, facial expressions, voice tone, words) ==> Less tools with other forms of apologies
    • Let the Person Communicate ==> Be fully present + Ask questions + Restate statements
    • Goodwill + Warmth ==> Have other person help you understand how they perceived the grievance ==> Be absolutely sincere
    • Be Concrete ==> Show understanding (of direct consequences and ramifications) + Show the actions you will take to right the wrong
    • Phone and Email ==> Everything applies ==> Be present + No distractions + Stand up
      • Do Not Answer Phone in Warm or Friendly manner ==> Answer Crisply and Professionally
      • For Emails, Mark Sections about You and Them Separately ==> Observe the difference

Chapter 11 – Presenting With Charisma

  • Three basic styles of public speaking: 1) Inspiring and Motivational (Visionary); 2) Attention and Respect (Authority); 3) Connection (Kindness)
  • Constructing the Message ==> Know the Audience + Know that Audience Will Lack Attention (Keep Wording as Simple as Possible) + Select and Single Out One Most Important Idea + Support with 3-5 key points
    • Key Supports should have at least one of the following: Stories (Entertaining and Short) + Metaphors/Analogies (Wonder and Awe) + Personal/Meaningful/Relatable Numbers and Statistics + Close with clear point or transition
    • Primacy and Recency Effect is Present ==> Q&A during the presentation
    • The Presentation is About Them + Be Graphic + Keep it Short
  • You Are Sharing a Secret with the Audience
  • Appearance
    • Chromatic effects: Red (Energy/Passion) + Black (Serious) + White (Honesty/Innocence) + Blue (Trust; Darker the deeper) + Gray (Neutral/Business) + Orange/Yellow (Not recommended)
    • Feel physically confident
  • Rehearsing
    • Practice until everything is perfect + Tape the speech (Ask three people) + Live Trial Run
  • Projecting Power
    • Wide Stance + No Podium/Lectern + Movement + Right Volume
  • Projecting Warmth
    • Eye contact with audience + Visualization + Voice Fluctuation
  • Slowing Down ==> Breath + Pause (Dramatic Pause) + Slow Down
    • Pause after the end + Mark up the speech notes + Practice speaking in low-stakes environments
  • Midcourse Corrections ==> Use all calming/visualization exercises ==> Need to practice
  • Before the Speech ==> Expect things to go wrong + Pause before speaking + Messing up as a shared joke

Chapter 12 – Charisma in a Crisis

  • “Charisma is Especially Effective During Uncertainty, Ambiguity, or Crisis” + People become “charisma hungry”
    • Omar Sultan Haque: Charismatic leaders rated higher when times are troubled
  • Remain as Calm as Possible at All Times ==> Ripple effect magnified ==> Be vigilant in self-awareness + Eradicate internal negativity skillfully + Reframe reality as much as can be of help + Use visualizations
  • Have and Express High Expectations for and Confidence in People Around You ==> Assign labels (e.g. charitable, hard-working, etc.)
  • Develop, Articulate, and Communicate a Clear Vision of What Could Be
  • Be Bold, Confident, and Decisive ==> In crisis, people will always flock to these types of charismatic people

Chapter 13 – The Charismatic Life: Rising to the Challenge

  • Charisma Has its Costs
  • The Charismatic Person Attracts Praise and Envy Like a Magnet ==>Resentment and envy for the praise will arise ==> Must compensate to limit these negative emotions
    • Three things possible: 1) Refuse the glory (High chance of backfiring); 2) Reflecting the glory (Highlight other people’s contributions to the success ==> These people will still have some negative response)
    • 3) Transfer the Glory ==> Giving people ownership for your success ==> Ben Franklin Effect + Clinton Classic (always sincerely soliciting opinions from people) ==> People feel as though they contributed in making your success ==> This is an envy-prevention strategy ==> Must be Sincere
      • Reach out to people who matter to your career by phone or email: Any Justification to Contact + Express Appreciation + Laying All of Their Help Out + Communicating Their Positive Impact + Their Sense of Responsibility in the Interest of Your Success
    • People Will Reveal Too Much to the Charismatic Person Because of the “Charisma Bubble/Connection” ==> Then Recoil + or Face Issues/Situations They Are Not Ready For + or Have too Many Epiphanies To Handle
      • Must learn how to slow people down when they have “epiphany highs” ==> Pay attention + Have “me too” stories ready (This is one time where interruption is helpful ==> Forces them to pause and gives them the other side’s perspective) + Place their epiphanies/revelations in a holistic view + Make them feel admired for revealing so much
      • Help clients ease out of the influence of charisma
    • The Charismatic Person Will Be Held in the Spotlight and to Higher Standards ==> Accept and Show Your Humanity/Vulnerability ==> Being Relatable
      • Practice being vulnerable to others ==> Pay attention to how you feel when you are being vulnerable
    • Being Charismatic Is Lonely
    • Charisma Can Work Even When It Shouldn’t (and/or You Are Wrong) ==> Important to be responsible + Don’t assume things come so easily to others
    • Charisma MUST Be Used Responsibly ==> Charisma is an asset (like intelligence)